Invictus
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
William Ernest Henley
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Pink Laptop where R U?
My search for a pink laptop has proved even more exhausting than my search for the perfect man, both seem to be non-existant. Maybe its me, maybe my expectations are to high. Well, I didn't settle for the wrong guy and so now I won't settle for the wrong laptop.
I have been to every store in the bay area in search of the elusive pink laptop and none have it. Now, I am seriously considering getting it online, hey you can get a man online why not a laptop. The only problem is like the men online its a crapshoot. What if its defective, what if the UPS guy man handles it, what if its a level 7 clinger or it smells bad,what if the hardware is defective?
Today, I was so close yet so far away. I thought a pink vaio netbook would cut it, just like I thought a 21yr old boy would cut it, but like the boy, the netbook fell short. First of all the sales guy couldnt even take it out of the box so I could see how pink it was, even after my homie Esther and I badgered him. Second, the processor was slow. I just couldn't settle for a slow anything.
So, the search continues. I'm going to stop looking and like with men the perfect laptop WILL eventually just come to me.
I have been to every store in the bay area in search of the elusive pink laptop and none have it. Now, I am seriously considering getting it online, hey you can get a man online why not a laptop. The only problem is like the men online its a crapshoot. What if its defective, what if the UPS guy man handles it, what if its a level 7 clinger or it smells bad,what if the hardware is defective?
Today, I was so close yet so far away. I thought a pink vaio netbook would cut it, just like I thought a 21yr old boy would cut it, but like the boy, the netbook fell short. First of all the sales guy couldnt even take it out of the box so I could see how pink it was, even after my homie Esther and I badgered him. Second, the processor was slow. I just couldn't settle for a slow anything.
So, the search continues. I'm going to stop looking and like with men the perfect laptop WILL eventually just come to me.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Nows the time for Guts and God
After the initial shock of my mom's diagnosis I decided that I wasn't a quitter and my mom wasn't a quitter. We were gonna fight. Saturday, I took my mom to the East West bookstore and we found books on curing cancer using alternative medications. Some may laugh, but at this point I don't care. I don't care if my mom has to drink urine, go to brazil, sit in rainforest with a shaman as she smokes a blunt and he rubs mud all over her face if it helps her and doesnt poison her like radiation or chemo than what do we really have to lose?
Cancer is big business in U.S but in other countries, those that are'nt run by pharmaceutical companies, there is hope. There are alternative treatments that use herbs and diets to cure.
My mom has decided to trust God and go the alternative route. Again, I am in awe of this woman. It takes so much courage to have faith and take the road less traveled. For a while after my mom received her prognosis I kept thinking, "why her?, why her?" and suddenly it hit me. "Why not her?"...Maybe God gave her this disease because she is so strong and so courageous. Maybe God gave her a gift, to show us all what faith can do. I know now my mom will be ok. I know this because she is strong and their is hope. If anyone can come back and beat this it's my mama bear:)
Cancer is big business in U.S but in other countries, those that are'nt run by pharmaceutical companies, there is hope. There are alternative treatments that use herbs and diets to cure.
My mom has decided to trust God and go the alternative route. Again, I am in awe of this woman. It takes so much courage to have faith and take the road less traveled. For a while after my mom received her prognosis I kept thinking, "why her?, why her?" and suddenly it hit me. "Why not her?"...Maybe God gave her this disease because she is so strong and so courageous. Maybe God gave her a gift, to show us all what faith can do. I know now my mom will be ok. I know this because she is strong and their is hope. If anyone can come back and beat this it's my mama bear:)
Heartbreak
Thursday, June 17th, started off like any other day. I was excited to see Mexico defeat France in the world cup, equally excited to ignore the guy who's been driving me crazy for over a year, who I'd FINALLY deemed dead to me after a heated,drunken argument I had mostly with myself through text.
My day at work flew by and I enjoyed an amazingly awesome commute on a warm brisk summer day to San Jose. I got home feeling accomplished and excited to cohost a spanish radio show with my friend. A sense of peace engulfed me as I pulled into my parents house. Coming home always makes me happy. Seeing the perfectly manicured lawn with rose bushes on either side and the two story house surrounded by trees in an uppermiddle class neighberhood in San Jose makes me feel proud of all that my parents have accomplished.
I pulled into the driveway excited to see my little sis sitting in the front, She's always so busy with work and her BF that coming home and seeing her makes my day even more. I can't wait to talk to her about the game and to tell her about the boy. I know she will be proud of me for ignoring him, but mostly she will listen patiently as her overly dramatic older sister vents, yet again, about "the boy".
As I approach my sister, I begin to notice she is sad and crying. I immediately think she has had a problem with her boyfriend. I ask whats wrong and she hesitates. I begin to guess, all my guesses are wrong. Suddenly she says it, "Mom's cancer spread. The Dr. just called and now its in her lung liver and spine". In that moment all that ever mattered didn't. I remembered what the Dr. had said in the past. "If it spreads its stage 4. terminal". His words from our last consultation raced through my mind and I felt my heart aching, screaming, tearing.
This COULDN'T be happening to me!NOT ME! NOT MY FAMILY!.NOT MY MOM!NOT MY MOM!..After our last consultation we thought we had dodged the bullet and now it was back. This group of rogue cells were threatening to eradicate my life, my family,my home. I knew from this moment on my life would never be the same. I would never be the same.
As I walk in the house and see my mom cooking, the tears start to pound down my cheeks. I can't control the overwhelming gush of sorrow that penetrates my soul. My soul mate, my mother, the woman I see more as a best friend than a mother, has been given a death sentence. My mom smiles and giggles with a twinge of defeat but keeps cooking and stays calm.
She has a quiet strength and class that I could never emulate. I have always been the free spirited, emotional, irresponsible, spoiled, loud mouth and this woman loves me just as I am.Not just that, she finds me amusing and interesting. I tell her everything. We share an openness most mother daughter teams would envy and perhaps find a little disturbing. We talk about sex, life, politics, love EVERYTHING.
My Dad, a typical macho Mexican who only has two emotions happy and angry quickly yells at me to stop crying and being so dramatic. My mother tells him its ok and hugs me tight, telling me its ok to cry. She has just been told she has a couple months to live at most and she's comforting me. Thats my mom thats my heart.
My mom puts on a brave front and then goes upstairs. My dad, suddenly starts to talk about his friend who is dying and suddenly out of nowhere this macho man breaks down, I have never seen my dad look so old and tired. He runs to the garage trying to mask his emotions but my sister and I follow and comfort him. He apologizes to me for yelling at me earlier and then just lets go.
On my drive home that night, I suddenly revive the boy and call him. How could I have been so stupid and so petty before. He doesn't pick up so I call my cousin, she doesn't answer. Im alone, my heart is breaking and Im alone.
My day at work flew by and I enjoyed an amazingly awesome commute on a warm brisk summer day to San Jose. I got home feeling accomplished and excited to cohost a spanish radio show with my friend. A sense of peace engulfed me as I pulled into my parents house. Coming home always makes me happy. Seeing the perfectly manicured lawn with rose bushes on either side and the two story house surrounded by trees in an uppermiddle class neighberhood in San Jose makes me feel proud of all that my parents have accomplished.
I pulled into the driveway excited to see my little sis sitting in the front, She's always so busy with work and her BF that coming home and seeing her makes my day even more. I can't wait to talk to her about the game and to tell her about the boy. I know she will be proud of me for ignoring him, but mostly she will listen patiently as her overly dramatic older sister vents, yet again, about "the boy".
As I approach my sister, I begin to notice she is sad and crying. I immediately think she has had a problem with her boyfriend. I ask whats wrong and she hesitates. I begin to guess, all my guesses are wrong. Suddenly she says it, "Mom's cancer spread. The Dr. just called and now its in her lung liver and spine". In that moment all that ever mattered didn't. I remembered what the Dr. had said in the past. "If it spreads its stage 4. terminal". His words from our last consultation raced through my mind and I felt my heart aching, screaming, tearing.
This COULDN'T be happening to me!NOT ME! NOT MY FAMILY!.NOT MY MOM!NOT MY MOM!..After our last consultation we thought we had dodged the bullet and now it was back. This group of rogue cells were threatening to eradicate my life, my family,my home. I knew from this moment on my life would never be the same. I would never be the same.
As I walk in the house and see my mom cooking, the tears start to pound down my cheeks. I can't control the overwhelming gush of sorrow that penetrates my soul. My soul mate, my mother, the woman I see more as a best friend than a mother, has been given a death sentence. My mom smiles and giggles with a twinge of defeat but keeps cooking and stays calm.
She has a quiet strength and class that I could never emulate. I have always been the free spirited, emotional, irresponsible, spoiled, loud mouth and this woman loves me just as I am.Not just that, she finds me amusing and interesting. I tell her everything. We share an openness most mother daughter teams would envy and perhaps find a little disturbing. We talk about sex, life, politics, love EVERYTHING.
My Dad, a typical macho Mexican who only has two emotions happy and angry quickly yells at me to stop crying and being so dramatic. My mother tells him its ok and hugs me tight, telling me its ok to cry. She has just been told she has a couple months to live at most and she's comforting me. Thats my mom thats my heart.
My mom puts on a brave front and then goes upstairs. My dad, suddenly starts to talk about his friend who is dying and suddenly out of nowhere this macho man breaks down, I have never seen my dad look so old and tired. He runs to the garage trying to mask his emotions but my sister and I follow and comfort him. He apologizes to me for yelling at me earlier and then just lets go.
On my drive home that night, I suddenly revive the boy and call him. How could I have been so stupid and so petty before. He doesn't pick up so I call my cousin, she doesn't answer. Im alone, my heart is breaking and Im alone.
In the last 6 months I have learned that....
life will test you in ways that you never even dared to imagine.
you may not always get what you want but never take no for an answer.
a good friend is worth more than 10 fake ass aquaintances.
the sun WILL AND DOES come out tomorrow.
my daily mantra I got from Finding Nemo..."just keep swimming...just keep swimming"
Don't be afraid to LOVE and LOVE hard.
Its better to have loved and lost knowing that YOU did your best to tell the other person how you felt.
Never take even a single moment for granted.
The BEST day of your life can easily turn into the WORST so cherish EVERY SECOND with those you love.
Don't OVERTHINK...life has a way of working it self out.
If u couldnt handle it you wouldn't get it.
You can draw strength from the most unlikely places.
Never stop believing in the power of miracles...NEVER
You may lose the battle but never admit defeat.
When life tests you you will be amazed at how succesfully you can rise to the challenge.
you may not always get what you want but never take no for an answer.
a good friend is worth more than 10 fake ass aquaintances.
the sun WILL AND DOES come out tomorrow.
my daily mantra I got from Finding Nemo..."just keep swimming...just keep swimming"
Don't be afraid to LOVE and LOVE hard.
Its better to have loved and lost knowing that YOU did your best to tell the other person how you felt.
Never take even a single moment for granted.
The BEST day of your life can easily turn into the WORST so cherish EVERY SECOND with those you love.
Don't OVERTHINK...life has a way of working it self out.
If u couldnt handle it you wouldn't get it.
You can draw strength from the most unlikely places.
Never stop believing in the power of miracles...NEVER
You may lose the battle but never admit defeat.
When life tests you you will be amazed at how succesfully you can rise to the challenge.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Revolutionary Road
I have never identified with a character more than I identify with April from "Revolutionary Road". April, is a young woman with big dreams. An aspiring actress who's ambitions fall short.She ends up settling into an average life. After settling, she feels empty and incomplete. The monotony of her everyday American existence peels away at her spirit. In an attempt to save her sanity she convinces her husband to move to Paris so they can lead a richer, fuller, and most importantly, less average life. He agrees and she is ECSTATIC.
After a series of unfortunate events squash the couples hopes of relocating, April falls into a hopless depression. I won't spoil the movie for anyone who wants to see it but April's fate aint good:(.
This movie, and April's characer in particular, spoke to my soul. It made me look deep and see where my own personal feelings of hoplessness lie and what I can do to change them. I have come to realize that I do things to fit some sort of ideal and it's not healthy. It eats away at me everyday that I do it, and why? what for? Because society, my parents, my friends expect it from me. Iv'e decided that from now on I will not do whats expected of me, because even when I do that not everyones happy. I will live my life for me and no one else. If my parents and family think I'm a loser, oh well, EFF them, they aint payin for my therapy!
In life, going off the reservation is scary and dangerous but it is ESSENTIAL, for some, not all.It's funny because as children we are brainwashed to believe that if we do not hit certain milestones, lk marriage and family we are inadequate, old maids, eccentrics losers. We are conditioned to think less of those incredibly brave people who decide not to marry the wrong person or to buy the house just to be tied to a job that they hate to maintain it. Many people are perfectly fine working from 9-5, coming home, feeding the kiddies, just to feel normal and fufilled, but not me. I want more, I need more. I will literally die inside if I don't get it.
So here it is, my wish list,
I never want to settle again!
I want to travel to every nook and cranny on this planet and get paid for it.
I want to drink a beer and read a good book on my own private balcony in spain
I want to pet a dolphin.
I want to help really really poor people
I want to be more patient and not let the little things get to me
I want to listen to myself, and not let myself be influenced by outside sources
I want to be healthy and good to my body
I want to exercise everyday
I want to love and be loved deeply and fully
I want a partner in crime who is smart, passionate, fun, patient, hot and eager in the sack, and most importantly loves the crap out of me and isn't afraid to show IT!:)
I want to learn something new everyday for the rest of my life
I want to go to a world cup
I want to live in another country for at least six months
I want friends on every continent
I want to laugh so hard I pee
I want to make a president laugh and blush all at the same time
I want to stand in the middle of a hurricane
I want to go to afghanistan
I want to make my parents proud on my terms
I want to stay in an ASHRAM in India for at least a month
I want to have a truly religious experience
I want to spoil my nieces and nephews
I want to be able to put my parents in a damn good home, KIDDING, it doesnt have to be damn good, ok will do:)
I want to visit my relatives more
I want it all and not be afraid to go out and get it
I want to listen to my heart everytime w/ no fear
I want to say. "Fear, eff you I'm gonna live!
I want to live free or die hard trying!
After a series of unfortunate events squash the couples hopes of relocating, April falls into a hopless depression. I won't spoil the movie for anyone who wants to see it but April's fate aint good:(.
This movie, and April's characer in particular, spoke to my soul. It made me look deep and see where my own personal feelings of hoplessness lie and what I can do to change them. I have come to realize that I do things to fit some sort of ideal and it's not healthy. It eats away at me everyday that I do it, and why? what for? Because society, my parents, my friends expect it from me. Iv'e decided that from now on I will not do whats expected of me, because even when I do that not everyones happy. I will live my life for me and no one else. If my parents and family think I'm a loser, oh well, EFF them, they aint payin for my therapy!
In life, going off the reservation is scary and dangerous but it is ESSENTIAL, for some, not all.It's funny because as children we are brainwashed to believe that if we do not hit certain milestones, lk marriage and family we are inadequate, old maids, eccentrics losers. We are conditioned to think less of those incredibly brave people who decide not to marry the wrong person or to buy the house just to be tied to a job that they hate to maintain it. Many people are perfectly fine working from 9-5, coming home, feeding the kiddies, just to feel normal and fufilled, but not me. I want more, I need more. I will literally die inside if I don't get it.
So here it is, my wish list,
I never want to settle again!
I want to travel to every nook and cranny on this planet and get paid for it.
I want to drink a beer and read a good book on my own private balcony in spain
I want to pet a dolphin.
I want to help really really poor people
I want to be more patient and not let the little things get to me
I want to listen to myself, and not let myself be influenced by outside sources
I want to be healthy and good to my body
I want to exercise everyday
I want to love and be loved deeply and fully
I want a partner in crime who is smart, passionate, fun, patient, hot and eager in the sack, and most importantly loves the crap out of me and isn't afraid to show IT!:)
I want to learn something new everyday for the rest of my life
I want to go to a world cup
I want to live in another country for at least six months
I want friends on every continent
I want to laugh so hard I pee
I want to make a president laugh and blush all at the same time
I want to stand in the middle of a hurricane
I want to go to afghanistan
I want to make my parents proud on my terms
I want to stay in an ASHRAM in India for at least a month
I want to have a truly religious experience
I want to spoil my nieces and nephews
I want to be able to put my parents in a damn good home, KIDDING, it doesnt have to be damn good, ok will do:)
I want to visit my relatives more
I want it all and not be afraid to go out and get it
I want to listen to my heart everytime w/ no fear
I want to say. "Fear, eff you I'm gonna live!
I want to live free or die hard trying!
Saturday, January 2, 2010
the last 365 days I learned.....
Money isn't everything
When you have control over yourself you can do anything
You have to stay true to yourself and your words
Friends and Family are any one persons greatest assets
Babies are still overrated
Cazadores will get you into trouble EVERY TIME,,,but its always worth it:)
Dont let your ego get the best of you.
Patience Patience Patience
When you have control over yourself you can do anything
You have to stay true to yourself and your words
Friends and Family are any one persons greatest assets
Babies are still overrated
Cazadores will get you into trouble EVERY TIME,,,but its always worth it:)
Dont let your ego get the best of you.
Patience Patience Patience
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