Carrie from SATC best quote EVER!

“I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, all consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love.”

YOU MAY THINK YOU KNOW ME....

I hate when people make assumptions on you based on a couple of conversations and brief interactions. I think it's naive, immature and stupid. No one can ever really know another person let alone tell other people they have them all figured out. So I decided to write this.

You Think You Know me but You Don't

You think I'm dumb because I keep it light, but thats alright, because thats what I want you to see.

You think you frighten me with your stares, but thats alright, because thats what I want you to believe.

You think I think your the most interesting person in the world and thats ok because thats how I want you to feel.

You think i'm crazy,maybe I am, but it's fun to be crazy. It keeps you on your toes.

You think I don't care, maybe I don't, but at least I don't pretend to either.

You think I care to much,you think I love,You didn't know that in a second I could cut you out of my life and never look back.

You think I'm immature, but living life to the fullest and laughing like a kid doesn't make me a kid.

You think I'm sad. Im not.

You think my Joy is fake. It isn't

You think you can make me feel small. You can't. I laugh at you when you try. My friends snicker at the ass that you are when you try to make them belive lies.

You think Im a joke, guess what I think you are too.

You think you've won, that karma will get me. What you don't know is I only learn and never suffer. I'll keep making lemonade so keep the lemons coming cause my sunshine doesnt fade.

You can't stand me, Thats great, misery loves company and im not miserable so it's a compliment not to be liked by YOU.

I think I know you but I don't

I see the mask you saw in me that we see in others like a disease...............

favorite poem

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

Pink Laptop where R U?

My search for a pink laptop has proved even more exhausting than my search for the perfect man, both seem to be non-existant. Maybe its me, maybe my expectations are to high. Well, I didn't settle for the wrong guy and so now I won't settle for the wrong laptop.

I have been to every store in the bay area in search of the elusive pink laptop and none have it. Now, I am seriously considering getting it online, hey you can get a man online why not a laptop. The only problem is like the men online its a crapshoot. What if its defective, what if the UPS guy man handles it, what if its a level 7 clinger or it smells bad,what if the hardware is defective?

Today, I was so close yet so far away. I thought a pink vaio netbook would cut it, just like I thought a 21yr old boy would cut it, but like the boy, the netbook fell short. First of all the sales guy couldnt even take it out of the box so I could see how pink it was, even after my homie Esther and I badgered him. Second, the processor was slow. I just couldn't settle for a slow anything.

So, the search continues. I'm going to stop looking and like with men the perfect laptop WILL eventually just come to me.

Nows the time for Guts and God

After the initial shock of my mom's diagnosis I decided that I wasn't a quitter and my mom wasn't a quitter. We were gonna fight. Saturday, I took my mom to the East West bookstore and we found books on curing cancer using alternative medications. Some may laugh, but at this point I don't care. I don't care if my mom has to drink urine, go to brazil, sit in rainforest with a shaman as she smokes a blunt and he rubs mud all over her face if it helps her and doesnt poison her like radiation or chemo than what do we really have to lose?

Cancer is big business in U.S but in other countries, those that are'nt run by pharmaceutical companies, there is hope. There are alternative treatments that use herbs and diets to cure.

My mom has decided to trust God and go the alternative route. Again, I am in awe of this woman. It takes so much courage to have faith and take the road less traveled. For a while after my mom received her prognosis I kept thinking, "why her?, why her?" and suddenly it hit me. "Why not her?"...Maybe God gave her this disease because she is so strong and so courageous. Maybe God gave her a gift, to show us all what faith can do. I know now my mom will be ok. I know this because she is strong and their is hope. If anyone can come back and beat this it's my mama bear:)

Heartbreak

Thursday, June 17th, started off like any other day. I was excited to see Mexico defeat France in the world cup, equally excited to ignore the guy who's been driving me crazy for over a year, who I'd FINALLY deemed dead to me after a heated,drunken argument I had mostly with myself through text.

My day at work flew by and I enjoyed an amazingly awesome commute on a warm brisk summer day to San Jose. I got home feeling accomplished and excited to cohost a spanish radio show with my friend. A sense of peace engulfed me as I pulled into my parents house. Coming home always makes me happy. Seeing the perfectly manicured lawn with rose bushes on either side and the two story house surrounded by trees in an uppermiddle class neighberhood in San Jose makes me feel proud of all that my parents have accomplished.

I pulled into the driveway excited to see my little sis sitting in the front, She's always so busy with work and her BF that coming home and seeing her makes my day even more. I can't wait to talk to her about the game and to tell her about the boy. I know she will be proud of me for ignoring him, but mostly she will listen patiently as her overly dramatic older sister vents, yet again, about "the boy".

As I approach my sister, I begin to notice she is sad and crying. I immediately think she has had a problem with her boyfriend. I ask whats wrong and she hesitates. I begin to guess, all my guesses are wrong. Suddenly she says it, "Mom's cancer spread. The Dr. just called and now its in her lung liver and spine". In that moment all that ever mattered didn't. I remembered what the Dr. had said in the past. "If it spreads its stage 4. terminal". His words from our last consultation raced through my mind and I felt my heart aching, screaming, tearing.

This COULDN'T be happening to me!NOT ME! NOT MY FAMILY!.NOT MY MOM!NOT MY MOM!..After our last consultation we thought we had dodged the bullet and now it was back. This group of rogue cells were threatening to eradicate my life, my family,my home. I knew from this moment on my life would never be the same. I would never be the same.

As I walk in the house and see my mom cooking, the tears start to pound down my cheeks. I can't control the overwhelming gush of sorrow that penetrates my soul. My soul mate, my mother, the woman I see more as a best friend than a mother, has been given a death sentence. My mom smiles and giggles with a twinge of defeat but keeps cooking and stays calm.

She has a quiet strength and class that I could never emulate. I have always been the free spirited, emotional, irresponsible, spoiled, loud mouth and this woman loves me just as I am.Not just that, she finds me amusing and interesting. I tell her everything. We share an openness most mother daughter teams would envy and perhaps find a little disturbing. We talk about sex, life, politics, love EVERYTHING.

My Dad, a typical macho Mexican who only has two emotions happy and angry quickly yells at me to stop crying and being so dramatic. My mother tells him its ok and hugs me tight, telling me its ok to cry. She has just been told she has a couple months to live at most and she's comforting me. Thats my mom thats my heart.

My mom puts on a brave front and then goes upstairs. My dad, suddenly starts to talk about his friend who is dying and suddenly out of nowhere this macho man breaks down, I have never seen my dad look so old and tired. He runs to the garage trying to mask his emotions but my sister and I follow and comfort him. He apologizes to me for yelling at me earlier and then just lets go.

On my drive home that night, I suddenly revive the boy and call him. How could I have been so stupid and so petty before. He doesn't pick up so I call my cousin, she doesn't answer. Im alone, my heart is breaking and Im alone.

In the last 6 months I have learned that....

life will test you in ways that you never even dared to imagine.
you may not always get what you want but never take no for an answer.
a good friend is worth more than 10 fake ass aquaintances.
the sun WILL AND DOES come out tomorrow.
my daily mantra I got from Finding Nemo..."just keep swimming...just keep swimming"
Don't be afraid to LOVE and LOVE hard.
Its better to have loved and lost knowing that YOU did your best to tell the other person how you felt.
Never take even a single moment for granted.
The BEST day of your life can easily turn into the WORST so cherish EVERY SECOND with those you love.
Don't OVERTHINK...life has a way of working it self out.
If u couldnt handle it you wouldn't get it.
You can draw strength from the most unlikely places.
Never stop believing in the power of miracles...NEVER
You may lose the battle but never admit defeat.
When life tests you you will be amazed at how succesfully you can rise to the challenge.