If you let the past dictate your present then you single handedly FUCK your future

I had a friend who was fun open minded smart and cool but after 6 short months of friendship I dumped her or she dumped me but I caused it. Why would I dump such a cool person? 4 words...she was a downer!...

********Insensitivity Disclaimer***************
When my friend was a young girl she was molested by a relative,tragic I know, and I had no problem listening to her sob story but after weeks and weeks of the same old story I grew weary. She blamed her 250pds on him, she blamed her innability to do well in school on him, she blamed him when she stayed home night after night feeling sorry for herself and stuffing her face. Everything that went wrong in her life was his fault. I eventually told her she needed to get over it and she "dumped me" which was fine by me.

I wasn't marginalizing her feelings when I uttered these words I was just trying to get her to see that 12years later the person she blamed for her distress was dead and buried and she was still letting him win. She was letting him dictate her future.

It boggles my mind to see people let past relationships,experiences, moments,events affect how they live. People are walking around avoiding life and love because of something or someone in the past. What makes me laugh is that the people and experiences that hurt you/us are long gone, married, having kids experiecing joy LIVING their lives and some of us remain stagnant because of them. We are blinded to new joys,realities,relationships and opportunities.

When you let fear dictate how much you love, live or do then you've let the past win, you let the antagonist antagonize you forever.

People with baggage eventually drown if they don't let go. They drown in fat, booze, drugs, sadness and despair.The sad thing is that some of these amazingly beautiful and talented people drown alone they never let anyone in, they become empty shells. When you attach yourself to someone with baggage its best to detach and let them fix themselves for fear of being dragged down with them.

Smart people learn from their mistakes, Wise people learn from other peoples mistakes. I choose to learn from this friend and "DANCE".I wont live in fear of getting hurt, rejected, of failing,
I will still give 110 percent to love life and happiness, I will still dream and hope, I refuse to grow old and synical, I refuse to let a couple of bad seeds, bad decisions, bad relationships, or tragedies keep me from loving and living.I choose to learn from them instead. Life is not about playing it safe. GO BIG OR GO HOME!

If Martin Luther King, Harvey Milk and JFK would have been afraid of assasination then where would we be?
If Romeo would have stayed away from Juliet from fear of her family then what?
If Oprah had stayed away from the camera for fear of being ridiculed about her weight she'd still be somewhere in Georgia sellin chitlins!

When you dream big you get big :)

Im happy when...

I feel sexy
when I'm somewhere new
when I'm belly dancing
when I'm on a plane
when I'm with my family
when I get flowers just because.
when I'm surprised.
when I can help someone who really needs it.
when I am loved
when I am free
when I am with friends
when I AM

San Jose is...

safe
warm
organized
family
technology
peaceful
innovative
sleepy
culture
chips
highways
byways
comforting
familiar

Oakland is...

a drunk black midget on a scooter asking for your number
old
humble
chinese women going to the market with their visors and surgical masks
diverse
breeezy
open minded
colorful
beautiful
full of life
energy
fear
violence
optimism
hope

LA

LA is plastic
sunny
dirty
insecure
fake
an illusion
a dream
a fantasy
a blonde w/ fake tits
a pretentious party
immigrants
poor
humble
beautiful
exciting
gay
oversexed
hyper
smart
innovative
stylish
smoggy
bipolar
stagnant
anxious
eager
a gamble
a seducer
eve
jealous of NY:)

There is something unnatural about....

There is something unnatural about a generation of women who feel they have to pull poke and stuff themselves with silicone to be beautiful.
There is something unnatural about a generation of men who feel this is ideal.
There is something unnatural about a society who looks outside to be happy.
There is something unnatural about rules.
There is something unnatural about people being afraid of love.
There is something unnatural about sitting in an office 8 hrs a day.
There is something unnatural about someone else buying your time.
There is something unnatural about thinking that you NEED money to make you happy or complete.
There is something unnatural about thinking that you are better than anyone else.
There is something unnatural about wanting to be better than someone else.
There is something unnatural about sitting in a classroom eight hours a day.
There is something unnatural about pretending to not be interested in someone so that they will like you more.
There is something unnatural about a television set raising your children.
There is something unnatural about love turning you off.
There is something unnatural about fear yet so many people live it everyday of their lives.
There is something unnatural about always wanting more and not being satisfied with what you have.
There is something unnatural about being afraid of sacrificing to get what you want.
There is something unnatural about not wanting to be loved or hugged or kissed or touched, it is the greatest sadness i think anyone can experience.
There is something unnatural about having to pay to get health care.
There is something unnatural about wanting everything handed to you on a silver platter.
There is something unnatural in organized religion.
There is something unnatural about the world we live in, yet we close our eyes and pretend...that everything is A OK!

I inherited more than just a killer smile.....

I spent the day w/ my dad, talking to him, drinking w/ him, and realizing, for the very first time, that I am the female version of him. I am just as hot tempered and impulsive as he was. So today, I asked him, I said, "Dad, when you feel the anger boil up inside you and your ready to explode and your sensible side is saying,'don't do it', don't do it' and you do it anyway what do you do?....and I got the best answer.....My father said that when he was in his 20's at the verge of suicide, he saw a psychiatrist that told him, "every morning you wake up, you thank god for the day, and you ask God to take your pain, and your frustrations and your impulses and your anger away, just for that day", and I said"I dont thnk I have that much faith, and he said by admitting you dont have faith, you have it"...Then I cried, Id never been able to cry in front of my dad, I felt Id always have to be storng in front of him. He just hugged me, said it would be ok. and told me to be patient. I believed him. I hope I can be a better more caring patient person....I want to have faith...I reallly do......